Dirty Jobs

Wingman: Fuck your Best Friend, The Most Important Man in Your Life!


Every man is asked to do it at least once. It is easily the most degrading job in the world, but as a man you are obligated to take it. It can be like a Band-Aid and ripped off quickly with minimal pain, or it can be like an all-expense paid trip to hell. What is this retched and thankless job you ask? It is the job of the wingman, the man whose sworn duty and sole purpose is to get his homey laid that night.

The selfless acts of a wingman often go unnoticed. However, without one, nights can end in tragedy. Good men could be left in the friend zone or worse, cock-blocked AND blue-balled by the dreaded fat beast of a friend who the girl has let out of her cage that night. Every girl seems to have this friend too. If DENZEL came up to the prey of the evening with hundred dollar bills falling out of his shirt sleeves and offered to take her in his private jet to a weekend in the Bahamas of nothing except fine wine and dancing, this friend would tell that girl through a mouth full of food that he's not good enough for her!

But a wingman can change everything! With a wingman, you can avoid the friend and blue-ball zone. 70% of what a woman sees in a man is his personality. Of course, these are just the statistics of a mere marginally attractive average male—I like to believe that I have overacchieved in my conquests with women. I owed it all to great wingmen and a somewhat decent personality.

For a wingman to be good, there are certain criteria he must meet in order for you to attain your desired lady. Here are the most important factors.

1. He has to be either drunk or a heavy drinker.


Someone's getting the ugly end of the stick, and it's not you.The ugly friend of your beautiful lady is not looking for love. She is out to find someone to nag. She would like nothing more than to talk someone's ear off about how much her life sucks and how big a mistake her friend is making. In reality, the only reason the bitch thinks it's a mistake is because she's way too fucking unattractive for any guy with self respect to even think about talking to. That's where your drunken ally comes in. He will either drink her into being pretty or at the very least, be way too fucked up to care that he's sitting next to a fucking monster. This in turn will keep her occupied and away from her attractive friend, leaving you to reap all of the prospective benefits....

2. He has to be extremely persuasive.

You have to know coming into the evening that your wingman will have your back no matter what goes down!One thing I have discovered about ugly bitches: they can be stubborn and may need a little persuading. Nuff said...

3. He has to be as attractive as you( no homo).

Another fact about ugly chicks: most of them don't believe there ugly. She's not gonna want to kick it with you ugly friend.

4. He has to be a good liar.

Her ugly friend has to think that he is at least a little bit interested in her. And besides, what does it hurt your chances if your target thinks that you are a multi-millionare with three stretch Escalades sitting on 24's? It's a one night stand, make it look good.

5. He has to be willing to bite the bullet.

In extreme scenarios, he may have to come home with the ugly bitch. Occasionally this means fucking her. You have to know that your wingman will not fold under this pressure,but rather rise to the occasion.

There you have it, the rules for an effective wingman. When followed, these rules ensure that one man goes home extremely happy and thus owes his wingman a big favor, which likely means playing wingman for him the next time that they go out.

Judge wanted something Strange for a Sentence Change !

Judge Herman Thomas is going on trial today for coaxing inmates out of their cells and into his whip to do gay and freaky stuff with them:

Herman Thomas had an enviable political record as a black Democrat elected and re-elected in a county overwhelmingly white and increasingly Republican. The respected circuit judge once was the Democratic Party’s choice to be the first black federal judge in south Alabama. Then his career collapsed under allegations that he brought inmates to his office and spanked them with a paddle. Later, an indictment accused him of sexually abusing male inmates in exchange…

… for leniency. The trial on charges of sodomy, kidnapping, sex abuse, extortion, assault and ethics violations is set to start Monday.

The case has shocked his friends and former colleagues. “I’ve always had the highest regard for him. The allegations were a complete surprise to me and everyone else who knew him,” said Bob Edington, a prominent Mobile attorney and former Democratic state senator. Thomas, who was known for wearing distinctive bow ties, stepped down from the bench in 2007 after the allegations of paddling surfaced and just ahead of a judicial ethics trial that could have forced him out of office. He was indicted on the more-serious charges this past spring by a Mobile County grand jury. If convicted of the most serious charges — sodomy and kidnapping — he faces 20 years to life in prison.

The oldest incident in the charges dates back to 1999, his first year as a circuit judge. The first public claim against Thomas surfaced in lawsuits filed by an inmate in 2001 in Mobile circuit court and in federal court that claimed the judge offered to help him with his case in return for sex. Both lawsuits were dismissed, and Thomas’ reputation remained unblemished. Chief Assistant District Attorney Nicki Patterson said authorities began looking at Thomas after he changed a jail sentence in 2006 for his cousin, former Mobile County school commissioner David Thomas, even though the case was being handled by another judge. Other cases that Thomas had taken over from other judges without their approval soon surfaced, she said.

Some inmates in those cases described being checked out of the jail for meetings with Thomas in his car or in his private office in the county courthouse. First, there were reports of inmates having to pull down their underwear for spankings with a wooden paddle. Then came allegations of oral and anal sex, according to court records.

Jail checkout records back up inmates’ claims about trips to Thomas’ private office, and other inmates spotted marks after paddlings. There also is other evidence, according to court records, including one inmate’s seminal fluid on the office carpet. The inmates also were able to describe in detail Thomas’ unmarked windowless office. Prosecutors say they have 15 current and former male inmates lined up to testify in a trial that could take several weeks.

These are some wild allegations with sickness being at the root of them. SMH.

ARE YOU FA REAL?!?!

Out of Pocket to the 10th Degree?!

STONE MOUNTAIN, Ga. -- Police say a 61-year-old man annoyed with a crying 2-year-old girl at a Wal-Mart slapped the toddler in the face several times.

Roger Stephens of Stone Mountain has been charged with felony cruelty to children and is being held without bond.

Authorities say the girl and her mother were shopping Monday when the toddler began crying. The police report says Stephens, a stranger, approached the mother and said, "If you don't shut that baby up, I will shut her up for you."

Authorities say Stephens then grabbed the 2-year-old and slapped her at least four times.

The child began screaming and Stephens was arrested. Police say an examination showed the girl's face was slightly red.

Stephens was not represented by an attorney at his court hearing. A call to his home was unanswered Wednesday.

Talk about getting out-of-pocket! The mom just stood there and watched this shit go down? ...Now, the question I have to ask is: What type of Ass Whoopin would YOU have put on this old FOOL?!

Favre-Mania?! Give Me a Break !

I Promise I won't turn this into a sports-related blog, but two separate stories dominated the sports world last week and the NFL specifically. Of course I am referring to the return of QBs Brett "Git-er-done" Favre and Mike Vick.

Of course, by now, we all now the stories behind their respective return; Vick from purgatory and exile for 22 months in Leavenworth for running an illegal dog-fighting ring, and Favre from 7 months of retirement...again...for the 2nd time in as many years...

Now, if I showed you these stat lines : 4-4 for 19yds, no turnovers and 1-4 for 4yds with 2 near turnovers and THEN I showed you these headlines: "Vick disrupts offensive flow for Eagles..." and " Favre looks outstanding in comeback performance", you would assume Favre owned the first stat line,right?

WRONG ! Confused? Yeah, so was I after watching both Vick and Favre's first preseason outing. Vick looked calm in the pocket and completed several short shovel passes before completing his final, 12 yd rocket-pass to Hank Baskett. Favre, on the other hand, completed just one pass to Percy Harvin and nearly got sacked on his 3 remaining attempts. But somehow the "world-wide leader" aka ESPN, always pushing their own agenda, gave Favre the superstar treatment, while relegating Vick to the bench, so to speak.

Look, I understand how the game is played and killing dogs is a deplorable crime, but facts are facts: Vick CLEARLY outplayed Favre and looks much closer to a prominent return then Favre. The funny aspect of this story going forward is how long can ESPN continue to run from the facts and report inaccuracies? I guess we get a chance to find out starting tonite Favre should play a half vs the Texans, after only a week of practice. Favre is already working on his next excuse as reports have surfaced today that he has self-diagnosed a cracked rib...WTF??!! Really, he does physicals too?!

Marino accepted it was time...Montana as well... Aikman, Young, Moon,etc have all realized that it was simply time to walk away from the game, while they still could. Here's to hoping that Mario Williams helps Favre think along these lines tonite...

An Eye for an Eye,and a hoe for a Hoe???!

...shaking my damn head....

Top 8 Things A Man Should....

NEVER DO OR SAY....

8)Take baths over a simple shower--any male over the age of 12 should never ever ever take baths-unless there is a woman involved....

7)"Dawg, why don't we talk like we used to??" ---WTF?!?....nuff said...

6)Dance in the club...especially together! ---Remember back in the late 90's and early 2000's when you went to the club ladies, and saw all the fellas....together...in a big ass menage-a-tois...."throwing dem bows" or getting crunk?! Remember how wrong it felt....SMH...

5)Use side by side stalls in a Public Restroom--either move down one or wait your damn turn ! ...

4)Replace soap with a "Moisturizing bodywash" --Women like us dry and ashy after showers; it gives them something ELSE to complain about! Plus, if you play it right, it could lead to some foreplay(women +lotion-in-her-hands = 7.5 minutes of enjoyment !!).....

3) Watch Porn together---really??! Do I even need to explain this one?!

2)Wear MANBAGS(aka M-URSES) and Attempt to Pass them Off as Computer Bags--Please see my previous blog on the metrosexual epidemic;Nuff said
... and






1)WEAR FUCKIN SKINNY JEANS--Of course ! Look, if you have to pull you pants off to take your keys outta your pocket, or can't run but instead have to "SKIP" if a fight breaks out, then its probably not a good idea to be wearing them jeans!
.....

Feel free to leave me your list in the comment section....

A New Disease is Affecting Our Community...

For every guy wearing skinny jeans, there is an angry father somewhere yearning to punch his ’son’ in the fucking face.



CNN, MSNBC, and even those racists at FOXNEWS ( who would love nothing more than to report on some blacks/latinos doing some ignant shit) have NOT reported on this devastating epidemic,spreading thru our communities, affecting old and young alike...
No I am not talking about obesity,teenage pregnancy rates, or even poor academic scores/testing displayed by many of our supposed future leaders. No, today I come to you about a far more polarizing topic: I,of course, am talking about the Nutt-Hugger aka Skinny Jeans Epidemic(SJE).
A couple of weeks ago, I went to Wal-mart pick to up some chicken breasts to make a stir-fry (No, we don’t always fry it). As I was walking thru the aisles,I noticed many brothas wearing the "Unofficial 2009 Uniform":dudes wearing jeans that were probably 2 sizes too small for their girlfriends to be wearing; white belts,some colorful ass converse or Nikes(Phil Knight is laughing all the way to the bank again at our expense); and glittery v-neck t-shirts that resemble something your kid sister used to make with her BEDAZZLER! you know the look... ...SIGH...

Now,I know some people will say that this is just an example of me getting older and not understanding the trends of the Y2K generation. I can admit that in some cases that is true. Sometimes when I'm out around teenagers,I feel like that grumpy old man in house shoes and a tattered robe yelling at the kids to get off his lawn. However, in the case of skinny jeans, this problem is not limited to just the younger generations. There are grown ass men walking around in skinny jeans! This has to stop!
This whole “metrosexual” movement started because of women cosigning stuff like “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” and their love affair with how “in touch” gay men appear to be with their feminine side (No shit right?). Look, I have no problems with gay people. There’s nothing wrong or gay about a man looking fresh or well groomed(no homo). However,women allowing men to get away with wearing jeans and shirts that are too tight, walking around with Louis Vuitton man purses and scarves and other “over the line” things, has lead to an environment where men are now trying to “out metrosexual” each other in order to attract women. I believe there’s a direct link between SJE and the increase in male bitchassness (MBN) that everyone seems to hate. Bottom line, if women want MBN to go away then they need to step up to the plate and stop cosigning the behavior. If you don’t, you’ll come home one day to find your man putting on YOUR favorite pair of jeans!

Please let me know your take and don't forget to take my poll on the right...

WTF??! CHIA-OBAMA Finally being Pulled from Shelves

Walgreens is ordering the removal of the "Chia Obama" from its stores in Tampa and Chicago, saying the ceramic-plant figure of the chief executive is inappropriate for sale.

Walgreens spokesman Robert Elfinger said store managers have the ability to market products of their choice. But the top brass of the Deerfield, Illinois-based drug chain was not amused by some of its Tampa and Chicago managers’ choices to market the President Obama likeness.

"We got some complaints from people that they thought it was racist," Elfinger said in a telephone interview.....

Ok how can you NOT find this product racist?!?! WTF?!? Was there a Chia-Bush or Chia-Clinton or Reagan that I just somehow missed??!! How could the Leader of the FREE WORLD be openly mocked like this and there be no retribution, all while the CIA,FBI, NSA, and GOD knows what else is at his disposal??!
In case you HAVEN'T seen the commercial, here it is. Take a look and let us discuss....

Couldn't have said it better Myself......

Big ups to Nas, Affion, and Nick for this one....

Will the Coonery Ever End???

Back in February CNN aired a special report on the Death of Bling and how the struggling economy has toned down the hip hop mainstay.While Cash Money and several other now broke idiots may have led the trend of establishing "bling" as a fortified brand,the economic recession may prove to be too powerful for its survival.

However it appears that some entertainers are either recession proof or blind to what is going on around them. Check out DeAndre better known as SouljaBoyTellem showcasing his Moissante diamond encrusted toy car.


[Shaking my damn head]....And I thought T-Pain’s “Big Ass Chain” was bad! Even in an economic boom, there is absolutely no circumstance where COONERY should be warranted or accepted! As a 19 year old role model what message are you sending to your less fortunate peers? Diamond studded RC Lambos are a symbol of success?! Perhaps our values as a society as whole are really F#$%D up if this is somehow considered cool.