Dirty Jobs

Wingman: Fuck your Best Friend, The Most Important Man in Your Life!


Every man is asked to do it at least once. It is easily the most degrading job in the world, but as a man you are obligated to take it. It can be like a Band-Aid and ripped off quickly with minimal pain, or it can be like an all-expense paid trip to hell. What is this retched and thankless job you ask? It is the job of the wingman, the man whose sworn duty and sole purpose is to get his homey laid that night.

The selfless acts of a wingman often go unnoticed. However, without one, nights can end in tragedy. Good men could be left in the friend zone or worse, cock-blocked AND blue-balled by the dreaded fat beast of a friend who the girl has let out of her cage that night. Every girl seems to have this friend too. If DENZEL came up to the prey of the evening with hundred dollar bills falling out of his shirt sleeves and offered to take her in his private jet to a weekend in the Bahamas of nothing except fine wine and dancing, this friend would tell that girl through a mouth full of food that he's not good enough for her!

But a wingman can change everything! With a wingman, you can avoid the friend and blue-ball zone. 70% of what a woman sees in a man is his personality. Of course, these are just the statistics of a mere marginally attractive average male—I like to believe that I have overacchieved in my conquests with women. I owed it all to great wingmen and a somewhat decent personality.

For a wingman to be good, there are certain criteria he must meet in order for you to attain your desired lady. Here are the most important factors.

1. He has to be either drunk or a heavy drinker.


Someone's getting the ugly end of the stick, and it's not you.The ugly friend of your beautiful lady is not looking for love. She is out to find someone to nag. She would like nothing more than to talk someone's ear off about how much her life sucks and how big a mistake her friend is making. In reality, the only reason the bitch thinks it's a mistake is because she's way too fucking unattractive for any guy with self respect to even think about talking to. That's where your drunken ally comes in. He will either drink her into being pretty or at the very least, be way too fucked up to care that he's sitting next to a fucking monster. This in turn will keep her occupied and away from her attractive friend, leaving you to reap all of the prospective benefits....

2. He has to be extremely persuasive.

You have to know coming into the evening that your wingman will have your back no matter what goes down!One thing I have discovered about ugly bitches: they can be stubborn and may need a little persuading. Nuff said...

3. He has to be as attractive as you( no homo).

Another fact about ugly chicks: most of them don't believe there ugly. She's not gonna want to kick it with you ugly friend.

4. He has to be a good liar.

Her ugly friend has to think that he is at least a little bit interested in her. And besides, what does it hurt your chances if your target thinks that you are a multi-millionare with three stretch Escalades sitting on 24's? It's a one night stand, make it look good.

5. He has to be willing to bite the bullet.

In extreme scenarios, he may have to come home with the ugly bitch. Occasionally this means fucking her. You have to know that your wingman will not fold under this pressure,but rather rise to the occasion.

There you have it, the rules for an effective wingman. When followed, these rules ensure that one man goes home extremely happy and thus owes his wingman a big favor, which likely means playing wingman for him the next time that they go out.